nEveresting Recovery

One year ago today

I can’t believe it but I freaking did it!! I have spent the last year of my life completely sober from alcohol.

That’s 365 days. Some good and some bad. I had plenty of days where I felt like drinking. This is where my stubborn pride actually works for me: as bad as I sometimes wanted a drink, I was holding so much pride in my sobriety that I refused to give it up.

And it wasn’t just alcohol. Within a month of quitting drinking I had let go of other vices too, and walked away from relationships that were keeping me stuck. The other things kind of fell into place after that first choice.

One year ago today, I was barely recovered from a horrible night of drinking and bad decisions just two days before. And I had agreed to meet Lawrence for a first date, coffee in Post Falls.

He had told me he was sober, which was frankly a huge relief. Because here’s the part that matters: I had already been thinking about quitting. At least for a little while.

That summer my drinking and partying were getting out of control. I told myself it was okay because I’d had a really hard year. I had just gone through a divorce. I was a single mom again. I was numbing myself so I didn’t have to sit with my feelings. How do you even do that? I would wonder, and then take another sip.

It got to the point where my body was telling me what my mind refused to admit. There were mornings after that scared me, mornings I couldn’t pretend were normal, and each one ended with me swearing I would never drink again. And then I did. And that last time was the worst.

I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic. I just knew I was ready for a change.

People just like me

So, when this man sat across from me talking about his journey and how he got sober, I wanted to know more. Not only did I find him attractive, he had something I was curious about.

He took me to my first AA meeting since I was 21 and ordered to go. I was still convinced there was no way I could be an alcoholic. But I really liked this cute guy and wanted to hang out with him, so I went anyway.

Much to my surprise, there were people just like me there. I listened to their stories and I could relate.

I had this idea in my head of what an alcoholic was. I wasn’t drinking first thing in the morning (usually). But when I did start, I could never have just one. Once I caught a buzz I kept chasing it. I drank for anxiety, for stress, to feel at ease in social situations where I felt awkward and out of place. I thought booze made me more fun and likeable. I drank when I was happy and when I was sad. I would find any excuse. It had become a daily habit.

Sitting in that room, I finally saw it. Nobody had to convince me. The people there just told the truth about their own lives, and their truth sounded like mine.

So, I thought: maybe I could give this sobriety thing a try. What did I have to lose?

What working it actually looks like

Here’s what I’ve learned this year: I didn’t stay sober because I met a sober guy. I stayed sober because I worked for it, one day at a time, and because I stopped trying to do life alone.

My sponsor and I are still close, and we work the steps together. I go to meetings. I’ve been building real friendships with other women in recovery, the kind of friends who show up for who I am, not for who I was at the bar. I’ve made real progress in therapy, actually sitting with the feelings I used to drown. I walk a lot. Miles and miles. I write and make things again. And I’ve found service work, especially with the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative, which gets me out of my own head faster than anything else.

I’ve also been spiritually seeking. I don’t have it all figured out, but a higher power is at the center of this for me, and I’m exploring what that looks like in my life.

The buds from January

At six months I wrote about my roses, thorns, and buds, and I made some promises about what I hoped would bloom. So here’s the honest report.

I ran Bloomsday. My first time ever, and it happened to be the 50th running of the race. Lawrence ran the first part with me, and I finished in 1:19. I wasn’t super fast, but I finished, and I’m proud of that. A year ago a big night out could wipe out my whole next day. This spring I ran seven and a half miles through Spokane with thousands of people, completely sober, and loved it. I’m coming back next year stronger and faster.

I’m a more present mom. That one is harder to measure than a race time, but I feel it. I’m setting stronger boundaries with my boys and actually being there when I’m there. Co-parenting has gotten better too, which took work from everyone. The boys have gained more than a sober mom. This spring we spent an afternoon at Avista Stadium with the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative watching the Spokane Indians, and my youngest is already counting down to the next one.

And here’s a bud I didn’t even know I was growing in January: a couple months before my one-year mark, I got licensed in Washington on top of my Idaho license and joined Avalon 24 Real Estate. I’m now part of a motivated, supportive team and serving clients on both sides of the state line. Turns out the confidence I was drinking to fake is the thing sobriety actually gave me.

Not perfect, but clear

Today, things are not perfect. But with my sobriety I am learning how to handle the ups and downs of life with a clear mind, body, and heart. I’m finding myself, who I really am. The girl who got caught up and lost for a bit. I’m nurturing her now.

I feel like I’m becoming a better human, mom, partner, and friend. And I hope my story reaches someone who’s where I was last summer, still saying it’s just been a hard year, still keeping it “together” until they get home. You don’t have to hit some imaginary rock bottom to deserve a change. I just knew I was ready. Maybe you are too.

Thank you, Law, for being there and helping me find a better way. We’ve had a lot of adventures this past year, and it all started with getting lost at Stanley. A hike I will never forget.

That hike was the beginning of my transformation: a moment where I remembered my strength. A time to challenge myself. I never planned to get sober, I just realized one day it was what I needed.