nEveresting Recovery

I’m sorry I didn’t treat you more tenderly.
I’m sorry I wasn’t more sensitive to you, your feelings and concerns.
I’m sorry I forgot how to love you the way you needed, the way love is meant to be expressed: wholehearted and unselfishly.

I sit here now thinking too much about all the love I have failed to return in a life longer than necessary to have such thoughts.
Lessons better learned years before this day.
Learned eventually better than never but too late for us.

I think now more often of the beauty in you, our times together.
Visions of deep lakes, orca encircled islands, laughing together and with our children.
Darker ones of named children we’ll never know lost to the winds of fate.
Lost myself for those months after I left the trail too soon at just the right time
	to the coldest sadness I’ve known.

We got each other through that.
Beyond the crushing loss of blood that would have been our own.

What would we have learned had fate not been so cruel? 
	Would I have lost you both regardless?
We’ll never know. 
You are a natural mother and I despite all my shit am a good dad.
I like to think we would have matured into a beautiful family. 
A splendid dream, forever a dream.

Where to now.
Forward forever forward.
You are a good teacher.
And I love you.
Fate too.